He said he was in love with me three times, he told me that I was the love of his life. He asked me not to forget about him [how could i?] And he said that he'd never forget about me and that he didn't want to.
I havent felt like this, in thee longest time. And he's the only one to make me feel this way.
But i'm scared shitless. Cause yeah, he said all of that but he was drunk, he dosen't even remember that he said that. Even if the saying goes "a drunk mind speaks a sober heart". And he said that he means it, but still, there's a part of me that dosen't want to believe it because if I believe it then I set myself up for that hurt. I'd have that hope that wow, he really does love me but then...he dosen't say it when he's sober.
I dunno what's wrong with me. I'm so pessimistic, its not good for me and our relationship. I need to have more faith in him. But i'm soooooo scared. I've never been this scared and happy at the same time. I probably could be hella happier but I have my guard up too cause I don't wanna get hurt. And i would because it's true i love him. So much, it hurts. I sound crazy but this shits so real.
Somtimes I wish that he would say that to me when he was sober. I wish he was as nice to me when he's drunk. He loves me when he's drunk lol. But i'm not gonna go out there and say hey baby be nice to be, cause i want it to be genuine.
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!
Stop worrying, and just be. yeah? ok. I make no sense at all. I'm scared, cause he said all that stuff. Not scared cause he's scaring me away, but scared because it's gettin realier, and that scares me.
He might change my mind about happily ever after.
Maybe. [i hope]
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Sunday, December 21, 2008
The Break Up
I have a hate-love relationship with this movie. I love it cause it reminds me of how me and my boy are with the arguing and how he would come back with a witty come back. But i hate it, cause it's called the 'break-up'.
Yeaaah, not cool right? But i also love it cause there's a scene toward the end where she has a complete melt down and he get's confronted on how he treats others. There's this one part where his best friend said to him "you only let people get so close to where you don't get hurt, you always have your guard up." And i'm thinking...OMG! that is totally, how he is. he dosen't even call anyone his best friend cause he dosen't let people in that much. And it scares the shit out of me cause here I am with my chest ripped wide open sayin "hey, here's my heart, go ahead, rip it into pieces or take care of it." I've let my most of my guard down and waiting patiently for him to, the whole while not even concidering that maybe, he never will let his guard down. And then when she melts down she says she dosen't feel appreciated and all that she wants is for him to show that he cared. Holy crap, she took the words right out of my mouth.
My heart right now, is going crazy. My eyes are puffy, my nose is red. I just wanna see him, see if that feeling is mutual. If there's a feeling at all. The thing is, I've NEVER felt the way I feel with him. I've never been happy before i met him and I've never been in love except with him. If we do 'break up' [again], truth is, i'll never fall in love again. I know that for a fact.
I'm pathetic.
I never stood a chance.
Yeaaah, not cool right? But i also love it cause there's a scene toward the end where she has a complete melt down and he get's confronted on how he treats others. There's this one part where his best friend said to him "you only let people get so close to where you don't get hurt, you always have your guard up." And i'm thinking...OMG! that is totally, how he is. he dosen't even call anyone his best friend cause he dosen't let people in that much. And it scares the shit out of me cause here I am with my chest ripped wide open sayin "hey, here's my heart, go ahead, rip it into pieces or take care of it." I've let my most of my guard down and waiting patiently for him to, the whole while not even concidering that maybe, he never will let his guard down. And then when she melts down she says she dosen't feel appreciated and all that she wants is for him to show that he cared. Holy crap, she took the words right out of my mouth.
My heart right now, is going crazy. My eyes are puffy, my nose is red. I just wanna see him, see if that feeling is mutual. If there's a feeling at all. The thing is, I've NEVER felt the way I feel with him. I've never been happy before i met him and I've never been in love except with him. If we do 'break up' [again], truth is, i'll never fall in love again. I know that for a fact.
I'm pathetic.
I never stood a chance.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
My fault
Being stuck in doors trying to stay warm with movies on TV with corny corny dialouge...there's not much else to do but think. So, being in this predicament, all i've done is think. and download emo songs which help me out with the pessimistic thinking that i'm oh so good at. I miss my boyfriend. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I don't know, i'm not blaming anything on him. It's all on me. I dunno what it is, but i feel like he's slipping from me. And it's my fault for allowing myself to be put in such a vulnerable place yet again only to be disappointed. It's my fault for losing his interest. It's my fault for trying so fuckin' hard. i have no one to blame but myself. And I feel like a complete idiot.
I use to be such a happy person. So nieve, so random, so open-minded with optimism. And now, i can't do anything without thinking about the consequences. I can't do anything without expecting the worst. I miss the stupid happy girl. Who honsetly didn't give a shit about anyone or anything or how anyone percieved how she was. I use to be so focused on trying to make others happy, and just so blank in a sense to these stupid shit emotions. I didn't know what love was, i didn't how it felt to be heartbroken. I didn't know the ultimate happiness. And people say, it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. And I'm starting to think I would've been better off if I had never loved or atempted at the idea of it.
But of course, I was exposed to the ultimate happines there is. I fell in love. With a complete asshole. lol. Who did the sweetest, littlest things just to see me smile. And I'd give anything up, for him to come back to me. I'd give anything to feel that feeling that only he can give me. He's an amzaing person and still is, but i feel like, there's a big wall that he refueses to break down for me. And i'm waiting patiently, with my wall complete obliberated. I feel like a complete fool for thinking that he might be the same person as before forgetting that by nature all things, and everyone change.
I gotta get out of this place.
I gotta start learning to do things for myself. To be happy with myself, to not to be so concerned with other's feelings and to do this for me. It certainly will be, a huge change. More then it should.
I miss my best friend.
I use to be such a happy person. So nieve, so random, so open-minded with optimism. And now, i can't do anything without thinking about the consequences. I can't do anything without expecting the worst. I miss the stupid happy girl. Who honsetly didn't give a shit about anyone or anything or how anyone percieved how she was. I use to be so focused on trying to make others happy, and just so blank in a sense to these stupid shit emotions. I didn't know what love was, i didn't how it felt to be heartbroken. I didn't know the ultimate happiness. And people say, it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. And I'm starting to think I would've been better off if I had never loved or atempted at the idea of it.
But of course, I was exposed to the ultimate happines there is. I fell in love. With a complete asshole. lol. Who did the sweetest, littlest things just to see me smile. And I'd give anything up, for him to come back to me. I'd give anything to feel that feeling that only he can give me. He's an amzaing person and still is, but i feel like, there's a big wall that he refueses to break down for me. And i'm waiting patiently, with my wall complete obliberated. I feel like a complete fool for thinking that he might be the same person as before forgetting that by nature all things, and everyone change.
I gotta get out of this place.
I gotta start learning to do things for myself. To be happy with myself, to not to be so concerned with other's feelings and to do this for me. It certainly will be, a huge change. More then it should.
I miss my best friend.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
PENS!
yee!
I just bought new pens. It's bad how happy i get when i buy or get new pens! I dunno why, but it always makes me happy. lol.
So started off my day today with a double tall White Chocolate Mocha provided by the Barnes & Nobles Cafe that proudly brews Starbucks drinks. My day started off kinda slow. Headed to school after chillin there for bout an hour. Got to school, studied in the library for bout three hours before I had to go take my Chem Final, which I felt ok about actually. so yee for that. Glad that's over and done with! Annnndd...then headed to jack in the box. =], smoked to relieve some stress, paranoid cause now i hella stink and bout am waiting for classmates of mine to get here so that we could cheat off eachother. =] haha.
No but, this week's been goin by pretty damn fast. Which is pretty nice actually. I barely have anytime to sit and think bout how much I miss my bestfriend. He's training right now and is currently not in WA state. And how I miss him so. I dunno why, but a sudden burst of appreciation came over me for him the past couple of days. I'm so proud of him. He inspires me to become a better person and to be ambitious. In other words, he's AMAZING! [even if he is a complete ass most of the time] Seriously though, he is amazing though. Be jealous bitches. =]
Anywaise, I feel like I haven't written in hre for a while so here I am. Rambling on bout nothin really that matters. But then again, don't I always do that. Holy crap, I feel like shit now. Yup. SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU! it's freakin disgusting kids. DONT DO IT! Ok.
Btw.
I LOVE MY FAMILY! =]
I just bought new pens. It's bad how happy i get when i buy or get new pens! I dunno why, but it always makes me happy. lol.
So started off my day today with a double tall White Chocolate Mocha provided by the Barnes & Nobles Cafe that proudly brews Starbucks drinks. My day started off kinda slow. Headed to school after chillin there for bout an hour. Got to school, studied in the library for bout three hours before I had to go take my Chem Final, which I felt ok about actually. so yee for that. Glad that's over and done with! Annnndd...then headed to jack in the box. =], smoked to relieve some stress, paranoid cause now i hella stink and bout am waiting for classmates of mine to get here so that we could cheat off eachother. =] haha.
No but, this week's been goin by pretty damn fast. Which is pretty nice actually. I barely have anytime to sit and think bout how much I miss my bestfriend. He's training right now and is currently not in WA state. And how I miss him so. I dunno why, but a sudden burst of appreciation came over me for him the past couple of days. I'm so proud of him. He inspires me to become a better person and to be ambitious. In other words, he's AMAZING! [even if he is a complete ass most of the time] Seriously though, he is amazing though. Be jealous bitches. =]
Anywaise, I feel like I haven't written in hre for a while so here I am. Rambling on bout nothin really that matters. But then again, don't I always do that. Holy crap, I feel like shit now. Yup. SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU! it's freakin disgusting kids. DONT DO IT! Ok.
Btw.
I LOVE MY FAMILY! =]
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
a take on partnerships
"Compassion and mutual respect offer a much more solid basis for our relations with others.
If our love for someone is based largely on attraction,
weather it be thier looks or some other superifical characteristic.
Our feelings for that person are liable, over time, to evaporate.
When they lose the quality we found alluring,
or when we find ourselves no longer satisfied by it,
the situation can change complelty,
despite their being the same person."
- His Holiness himself, Tenzin Gyatso
If our love for someone is based largely on attraction,
weather it be thier looks or some other superifical characteristic.
Our feelings for that person are liable, over time, to evaporate.
When they lose the quality we found alluring,
or when we find ourselves no longer satisfied by it,
the situation can change complelty,
despite their being the same person."
- His Holiness himself, Tenzin Gyatso
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
i once was
8. Drift. Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.
Monday, December 1, 2008
hmmm
missing someone gets easier every day
cause even though its one day further
from the last time you saw each other
its one day closer to the next time you will
cause even though its one day further
from the last time you saw each other
its one day closer to the next time you will
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Somtimes
i just wanna
burst at the seams and just poor my heart out to you.
but for the sake of you havin so much on your plate right now, and for the fact time makes everything better, and for the understanding that you need from me, and because i don't wanna scare you away, and i dont wanna seem like one of those girlfriends who wants all of you right now or nothing.......sorri if i've been contradictory to all of those. i'm a little lost right now, i admit, tryin to find that balance again ya know. and sorri if i havent been takin care of you lately. i just want you to smile. i just want you to smile. relax. know im here, but do your own thing. i'll always be right here. [as desperate as it may sound.]
i promise, crosses don't count, nothing counts.
i will always be right here.
burst at the seams and just poor my heart out to you.
but for the sake of you havin so much on your plate right now, and for the fact time makes everything better, and for the understanding that you need from me, and because i don't wanna scare you away, and i dont wanna seem like one of those girlfriends who wants all of you right now or nothing.......sorri if i've been contradictory to all of those. i'm a little lost right now, i admit, tryin to find that balance again ya know. and sorri if i havent been takin care of you lately. i just want you to smile. i just want you to smile. relax. know im here, but do your own thing. i'll always be right here. [as desperate as it may sound.]
i promise, crosses don't count, nothing counts.
i will always be right here.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
blehh
" I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I'm hard to handle but, if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" - -Marilyn Monroe
Monday, November 17, 2008
long day
twas an extremely long day...but i guess you can say my hope has in a sense been reinstalled at least a little. but my dream to go to tokyo is gonna have to wait a couple of years...so cheay. oh well. i wanna start workin asap. so dreams gonna have to wait right now
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Overwhelmed
GAHH! I'm so freakin stressed right now.
My future is looking more and more farther and harder now a days. And my pessimestic mentality is not helping me calm down or have any more hope. So it's looking like I have to wait until winter of 2010 til i could POSSIBLY get into a nursing school...it's not even a gurantee. omg! eff my life. My inspiration and self-motivation is shot.
But, assface is helpin me get my ish together and my mother's controlling ways is inspiring me to get released as soon as i can from her grasp...the only way i could do that is get my degree, and get my own place and be indpendent for once. That freedom...seems so far away and never-reaching! And i can't stand it!!!! Lord help me. pleaaase....
BUT, on the brighter side.
This weekend was loverly. =]
Saturday went on a walk at frontier park and discovered new terrains over there. Like, there's a go-kart place there and i never knew that the whole 14 years I've lived next to the park. lol. Saw some big ol hourse doo doo. haha. Then did some family business and ate at King Wok Buffet was kinda nasty but whateva. Boyfriend made a fool of himself tryin to out stack my cousin's and aunt's ice cream swirling. lol. And we played a game that i HATE. gahh', but there's a first time for everything i guess. Then came home, watched a movie of course and TRIED to figure out how to make Dark Knight work, but we didn't. But the next morning went to IHOP with our best friends, Jordan and Sarah. Pretty damn good. Niggas was jealous of us though cause we know how to keep ourselves entertained wherever we go. Aka, everywhere's our living room?? lol. But seriously who goes to a reasturant by themselves. the eff right? But anywaise. Ending up goin to Hustler Hollywood, discovered what an effin freak my boyfriend really is. NASTY! And that pornos can cost up to 60 bucks. jeebus. Then raised havock at Wal-Mart, but not really, that place made us sleepy haha. Headed home, tried to make chopper and chanel have babies, didn't work. Chopper's got no game. Then watched dark knight with the S Cable hunny buns bought for me. yeeee...He spends his money too much. Geezz...gotta start makin an expense book for him fo'realz. But yeaaah...twas a good weekend. =] Thanks to my honey buns. But then reality is settlin again and the control that my mother is tryin to have upon me, is driving me CRAZY! I need to have a break soon from this place. TOKYO HERE I COME!
My future is looking more and more farther and harder now a days. And my pessimestic mentality is not helping me calm down or have any more hope. So it's looking like I have to wait until winter of 2010 til i could POSSIBLY get into a nursing school...it's not even a gurantee. omg! eff my life. My inspiration and self-motivation is shot.
But, assface is helpin me get my ish together and my mother's controlling ways is inspiring me to get released as soon as i can from her grasp...the only way i could do that is get my degree, and get my own place and be indpendent for once. That freedom...seems so far away and never-reaching! And i can't stand it!!!! Lord help me. pleaaase....
BUT, on the brighter side.
This weekend was loverly. =]
Saturday went on a walk at frontier park and discovered new terrains over there. Like, there's a go-kart place there and i never knew that the whole 14 years I've lived next to the park. lol. Saw some big ol hourse doo doo. haha. Then did some family business and ate at King Wok Buffet was kinda nasty but whateva. Boyfriend made a fool of himself tryin to out stack my cousin's and aunt's ice cream swirling. lol. And we played a game that i HATE. gahh', but there's a first time for everything i guess. Then came home, watched a movie of course and TRIED to figure out how to make Dark Knight work, but we didn't. But the next morning went to IHOP with our best friends, Jordan and Sarah. Pretty damn good. Niggas was jealous of us though cause we know how to keep ourselves entertained wherever we go. Aka, everywhere's our living room?? lol. But seriously who goes to a reasturant by themselves. the eff right? But anywaise. Ending up goin to Hustler Hollywood, discovered what an effin freak my boyfriend really is. NASTY! And that pornos can cost up to 60 bucks. jeebus. Then raised havock at Wal-Mart, but not really, that place made us sleepy haha. Headed home, tried to make chopper and chanel have babies, didn't work. Chopper's got no game. Then watched dark knight with the S Cable hunny buns bought for me. yeeee...He spends his money too much. Geezz...gotta start makin an expense book for him fo'realz. But yeaaah...twas a good weekend. =] Thanks to my honey buns. But then reality is settlin again and the control that my mother is tryin to have upon me, is driving me CRAZY! I need to have a break soon from this place. TOKYO HERE I COME!
Friday, November 14, 2008
poopsicle
i dont think imma see him today...
GAHHH!!!!!!!
right now I'm in the library, its about 4:20pm and I arrived here at around 1ish, studied hella, just waiting until he gets off...it would suck if he got off late cuase I'm busy tonight and I doubt my mom will want to go and pick him up. [she's jealous of him. =p] I just wanna see hiim, poops. I've hella emotionally lately, i think imma bout to start my period. No nose. But i do nose that I miss him and just wanna chillage with him. RAWR! lord help me.
GAHHH!!!!!!!
right now I'm in the library, its about 4:20pm and I arrived here at around 1ish, studied hella, just waiting until he gets off...it would suck if he got off late cuase I'm busy tonight and I doubt my mom will want to go and pick him up. [she's jealous of him. =p] I just wanna see hiim, poops. I've hella emotionally lately, i think imma bout to start my period. No nose. But i do nose that I miss him and just wanna chillage with him. RAWR! lord help me.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Starbucks
i dont like the one on canyon.
there's a lot of old people and there's not enough big comfy chairs to sit in.
new sanctuary = borders??
i dunno. but i need a new place to study. i'm startin to hate this library.
there's a lot of old people and there's not enough big comfy chairs to sit in.
new sanctuary = borders??
i dunno. but i need a new place to study. i'm startin to hate this library.
Jumping
He's jumpin out of an airplane today! whaa hoo!
i wish i could watch him, but it's at night. poops. But I know he's hella excited, and so am I for him.
Today's a sunny day.
Just updated my Christmas wish list. I think i blog too much even though everything I write is so simple and gay and no one reads it. lol. Bou to head to my new sanctuary that I found which of course would be STARBUCKS! =] I freakin' love studyin there. no joke. I need to buy some more perfume and a new camera. And save money for freakin christmas shoppin.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WIH MY LIFE ANYMORE!
Lord help me.
i wish i could watch him, but it's at night. poops. But I know he's hella excited, and so am I for him.
Today's a sunny day.
Just updated my Christmas wish list. I think i blog too much even though everything I write is so simple and gay and no one reads it. lol. Bou to head to my new sanctuary that I found which of course would be STARBUCKS! =] I freakin' love studyin there. no joke. I need to buy some more perfume and a new camera. And save money for freakin christmas shoppin.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WIH MY LIFE ANYMORE!
Lord help me.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
epitome
there's a diefference in knowing someone and understanding someone.
man o man.
so simple, yet answers so much.
[for me anywaise]
man o man.
so simple, yet answers so much.
[for me anywaise]
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 10, 2008
poopstain
GUNS GUNS GUNS ROCKETS ROCKETS!
oh how i heart you so assface.
even though your a pervert.
you're still my bestestesterest siir.
no doubt bout that. you certainly know me too well.
it sucks sometimes. lol.
but today was a goodie day. yee. right now you's is shinin your boots and watchin city of god. tommorrow is another day with you. =] we gooo movie! and commissary so we could fill up your freezer and some real food instead of those MRE's honey.
mission: make to do list and finalize it. and YOU needs to get car soono siir.
oh how i heart you so assface.
even though your a pervert.
you're still my bestestesterest siir.
no doubt bout that. you certainly know me too well.
it sucks sometimes. lol.
but today was a goodie day. yee. right now you's is shinin your boots and watchin city of god. tommorrow is another day with you. =] we gooo movie! and commissary so we could fill up your freezer and some real food instead of those MRE's honey.
mission: make to do list and finalize it. and YOU needs to get car soono siir.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Red Cups
Had a great start to my day.
Went to starbucks, grabbed the usual.
Read a good book while listenin to some Jazz music.
And the thought of him...oh i love it so. =]
just made me feel really good.
good enough to blog about lol.
-someone buy my the gold card for Starbucks!!
Went to starbucks, grabbed the usual.
Read a good book while listenin to some Jazz music.
And the thought of him...oh i love it so. =]
just made me feel really good.
good enough to blog about lol.
-someone buy my the gold card for Starbucks!!
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
monkey balls
Been feelin down in the dumps latley.
Motivation is lacking when I need it the most.
I have no reason to feel down. None at all. I guess my pessimism is getting the best of me now a days. I need to get up on my homework and shiet so i could live my American Dream. But i dunno why, ever since i seen daddy, been in a rutt. I have my best friend here too for my support and for that daily dose of laughter with his lame jokes. No problem there. Mother is chill, at least more then I would expect her to be now a days. I have no idea what's wrong with me.
I gotta shake it off as MC says. In a different sense of course. Gotta get some sunshine or something and get my happy neurotransmitters workin again. A walk would be comforting too. I guess I've been scared too lately. As much as I've been trying to convince myself I'm not attached as much as I really am, I'm attached on so many different levels. And it's CRAZY! Cuase I wasn't expecting anything to go down the way it has. But it has gone down, and I got what i've always wanted back but I'm tryin to not let my guard down so much, cause shiet, trust is so hard for me to give to someone now a days. I'm waiting for my version 2.5 to come around to it's full upgrade and let it's guard down at least a little. But I do see it chippin away, sloowly, but surely. I guess I just gotta have as much faith as he had in me, even when I was with another dude. [thanks btw]
Siiiiggggh...ranger the fuck up Shannon!
[and get your shit done]
Motivation is lacking when I need it the most.
I have no reason to feel down. None at all. I guess my pessimism is getting the best of me now a days. I need to get up on my homework and shiet so i could live my American Dream. But i dunno why, ever since i seen daddy, been in a rutt. I have my best friend here too for my support and for that daily dose of laughter with his lame jokes. No problem there. Mother is chill, at least more then I would expect her to be now a days. I have no idea what's wrong with me.
I gotta shake it off as MC says. In a different sense of course. Gotta get some sunshine or something and get my happy neurotransmitters workin again. A walk would be comforting too. I guess I've been scared too lately. As much as I've been trying to convince myself I'm not attached as much as I really am, I'm attached on so many different levels. And it's CRAZY! Cuase I wasn't expecting anything to go down the way it has. But it has gone down, and I got what i've always wanted back but I'm tryin to not let my guard down so much, cause shiet, trust is so hard for me to give to someone now a days. I'm waiting for my version 2.5 to come around to it's full upgrade and let it's guard down at least a little. But I do see it chippin away, sloowly, but surely. I guess I just gotta have as much faith as he had in me, even when I was with another dude. [thanks btw]
Siiiiggggh...ranger the fuck up Shannon!
[and get your shit done]
Monday, November 3, 2008
his faithul concubine
Love rain down on me,on me,down on me(4x)
Met him on a Thursday,sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds, 84 degrees
He was brown,deep
Said he wanted to talk about my mission
Listen to my past lives (Word?)
Took me on long walks to places where butterflies rest easy
Talked about Moses and Mumia
Reparations,blue colors,memories of shell top adidas
He was fresh,like summer peaches
Sweet on my mind like block parties and penny candy
Us was nice and warm,no jacket,no umbrella,just warm
At night we would watch the stars
And he would physically give me each and every one
I felt like cayenne pepper,red,hot,spicy
I felt Dizzy and Sonia, heaven and Miles between my
thighs
Better than love,we made delicious
He me had,had me he
He had me tongue tied
I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts
I was his sharp, his horn section
His boom and his bip
And he was my love
Love rain down on me,on me,down on me
The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging
my
eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens
The mistake was made
Love slipped from my lips
Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap
And us became new
Now me non-clairvoyant and in love
Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible
The rain was falling
And I couldn’t see the season changing
And the vibe slipping off it’s axis
Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato
The rain was falling and I could not see
That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized
And left to drown in his sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds,84 degrees,melody
Love rain down on me,on me,down on me (2x)
(Mos Def:)
I stretch my arms towards the sky like blades of tall grass,
The sun beat between my shoulders like carnaval drums.
I sat still in hopes that it would help my wings grow
So then I could really be fly.
And then she arrived.
Like daybreak inside a railway tunnel,
like the new moon,
like a diamond in the mines,
like high noon to a junker,
Sudden…
She made my heart beat in the now, now time signature,
her skin a canvas for ultra violet brush strokes.
She was the sun’s painting,
she was a deep cogniac color,
her eyes sparkle like lights along the new city,
her lips purst as if her breath was too sweet and full for her mouth to hold.
I said:
“You are the beautiful distress of mathmatics,”
I said:
“For you, I will peel open the clouds like new fruit,
and give you lightning and thunder as a dowry,
I will make the sky shed all of it’s stars like rain,
and I will clast the constellations across your waste,
and i will make the heavens your keep.
And they will be pleased to cover you,
they will be pleased to cover you,
May i please… cover you…
…please…
Met him on a Thursday,sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds, 84 degrees
He was brown,deep
Said he wanted to talk about my mission
Listen to my past lives (Word?)
Took me on long walks to places where butterflies rest easy
Talked about Moses and Mumia
Reparations,blue colors,memories of shell top adidas
He was fresh,like summer peaches
Sweet on my mind like block parties and penny candy
Us was nice and warm,no jacket,no umbrella,just warm
At night we would watch the stars
And he would physically give me each and every one
I felt like cayenne pepper,red,hot,spicy
I felt Dizzy and Sonia, heaven and Miles between my
thighs
Better than love,we made delicious
He me had,had me he
He had me tongue tied
I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts
I was his sharp, his horn section
His boom and his bip
And he was my love
Love rain down on me,on me,down on me
The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging
my
eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens
The mistake was made
Love slipped from my lips
Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap
And us became new
Now me non-clairvoyant and in love
Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible
The rain was falling
And I couldn’t see the season changing
And the vibe slipping off it’s axis
Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato
The rain was falling and I could not see
That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized
And left to drown in his sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds,84 degrees,melody
Love rain down on me,on me,down on me (2x)
(Mos Def:)
I stretch my arms towards the sky like blades of tall grass,
The sun beat between my shoulders like carnaval drums.
I sat still in hopes that it would help my wings grow
So then I could really be fly.
And then she arrived.
Like daybreak inside a railway tunnel,
like the new moon,
like a diamond in the mines,
like high noon to a junker,
Sudden…
She made my heart beat in the now, now time signature,
her skin a canvas for ultra violet brush strokes.
She was the sun’s painting,
she was a deep cogniac color,
her eyes sparkle like lights along the new city,
her lips purst as if her breath was too sweet and full for her mouth to hold.
I said:
“You are the beautiful distress of mathmatics,”
I said:
“For you, I will peel open the clouds like new fruit,
and give you lightning and thunder as a dowry,
I will make the sky shed all of it’s stars like rain,
and I will clast the constellations across your waste,
and i will make the heavens your keep.
And they will be pleased to cover you,
they will be pleased to cover you,
May i please… cover you…
…please…
&hecalls
right when i was about to write down my pessimistic views, he calls.
maybe he'll change this mentality of mine.
maybe he'll reinforce it.
for the time being, i'll just enjoy good company.
maybe he'll change this mentality of mine.
maybe he'll reinforce it.
for the time being, i'll just enjoy good company.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
working on it
"patience is a virtue."
"good things come to those who wait."
had good convo tonight.
and it's safe to say, he is my best friend above all things. =]
"good things come to those who wait."
had good convo tonight.
and it's safe to say, he is my best friend above all things. =]
downward slope
Past couple of days have been ones where I have been thinking constantly. I am one paranoid person...it's only doing me bad. I'm trying sooo soo soooo hard to be patient. But holy crap, it's so hard. Never have i tried to be so patient in my life before man. I feel like it's a test from God and i'm really trying to past it. they said that "good things come to those who wait." but we shall see.
The patience I'm thinking of is pertaining to a certain relationship that has re-entered my life. And I'm thankful for. We're both kind of going through a struggle right now and maybe we're just taking it out on each other or maybe we're to scared to open up to one another. I don't wanna seem desperate, I don't wanna seem to attached already, and i dont wanna be pushy. So i'm tryin to be laid back, let him do his thang and not be bothered when i don't get a text back. He is the sweetest thing ever, and i'll be damned if i let my influence let it go sour. Which is something I feel I do a lot. Maybe I impose myself into a guy, and that's what makes them pull away. So this time, I'll pull myself away more while trying not to seem too distant, and hopefully it will become a realtionship as successful as it was before.
But...i miss you.
The patience I'm thinking of is pertaining to a certain relationship that has re-entered my life. And I'm thankful for. We're both kind of going through a struggle right now and maybe we're just taking it out on each other or maybe we're to scared to open up to one another. I don't wanna seem desperate, I don't wanna seem to attached already, and i dont wanna be pushy. So i'm tryin to be laid back, let him do his thang and not be bothered when i don't get a text back. He is the sweetest thing ever, and i'll be damned if i let my influence let it go sour. Which is something I feel I do a lot. Maybe I impose myself into a guy, and that's what makes them pull away. So this time, I'll pull myself away more while trying not to seem too distant, and hopefully it will become a realtionship as successful as it was before.
But...i miss you.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
I'll Try
My Honey Buuuny!
Sooo...you're pretty bummed out right now due to you being human and forgetting something. Honey, you know you're only perfect to me not to the whole world. =p But anywaize...i guess...this will be my attempt to make you smile, even though you probably won't read this because you don't have time.
Well first off, as much as this seems not so "romantic", I just wanted to write you this to tell you how i feel [as if you dont know] about the relationship we have. I am SO BLESSED to have met you and for you to come into my life. There are few people that I have met that I can honestly say have changed my life for the better and you are probably one of the three. I know that you were bummed out when i said i was in love with two people and I guess I'll take the time now to clarify that [not make excuses]
Like I've said numerous times, I was stupid and nieve and immature. I was in a vulnerable state of being in a new place with a new situations being thrown at me constantly, and I guess Dom was my "home" during that time. I said I was in love with him because i was confused. I thought that being comfortable with someone was being in love. And yes, i was comfortable with him...but [i can say this being totally honest] he's never given me butterflies the way you have, he's never given me "that feeling" that you give me...that i've looked for in every guy after you. Now i wanna put everything out there, but i dont' wanna come off too desperate. But yeaaaaah. I loved dom, I will say that. But i wasn't IN love with him...With him, life was harder. Only thing I really got out of is was a social life. lol. And not gonna lie, it was hard to let go of that...I can honestly say that I've changed quite a bit since I've broken up with him and started talking to you again. Not even like TALKING talking, just becoming friends again like before made me realize what I had let go, or what let me go anywaise. During the most recent relationship with dom, we were arguing quite a bit. And me being me, I kept making excuses for his behavior and him being a good manipulator, I feel or the tricks. But I didn't understand why we constantly fought, while the whole time HE knew...he stated in the most perfect way possible and that was that "he wasn't perfect, he isn't you [dan]." After we broke up the first time, i was unconsciously looking for you in every guy I dated after you without even knowing. I wanted you ever since I met yooou.....MY GOD i sound crazy. But it's true honey. And i know my words are nothing really, but I WILL show you that this is all coming from my heart and that you are all I want. I WILL wait for you when you leave for your career, I will wait for you even if you don't want me anymore, I will wait for you when you need a mental day off...honey just give me time to prove all of this to you. I will do anything. I guess it's true when they say you never know what you go till it's gone...well all along i knew you were perfect, but drifiting apart from you made it that much more clear. I don't want the time and memories we have together to end. Us taking things slow is the best way to go. I adore you in every way possible...I love the fact that you can stay at home and just play video games for hours, I love the way you hold me, I love the way you talk about your job both the times you hate and love it, I love how we could talk about history, I love how I can say stupid things to you and you reinforce it with an even more ridculous comment, I love everything about yooooou!!! All I ask is for you to give me time, and i have faith that you will too see my efforts and that you will in turn give me the happiness that you always have.
cheer up my lito chocobo...You've got me. [i know, i'm not worth 600 bucks. =p]
Sooo...you're pretty bummed out right now due to you being human and forgetting something. Honey, you know you're only perfect to me not to the whole world. =p But anywaize...i guess...this will be my attempt to make you smile, even though you probably won't read this because you don't have time.
Well first off, as much as this seems not so "romantic", I just wanted to write you this to tell you how i feel [as if you dont know] about the relationship we have. I am SO BLESSED to have met you and for you to come into my life. There are few people that I have met that I can honestly say have changed my life for the better and you are probably one of the three. I know that you were bummed out when i said i was in love with two people and I guess I'll take the time now to clarify that [not make excuses]
Like I've said numerous times, I was stupid and nieve and immature. I was in a vulnerable state of being in a new place with a new situations being thrown at me constantly, and I guess Dom was my "home" during that time. I said I was in love with him because i was confused. I thought that being comfortable with someone was being in love. And yes, i was comfortable with him...but [i can say this being totally honest] he's never given me butterflies the way you have, he's never given me "that feeling" that you give me...that i've looked for in every guy after you. Now i wanna put everything out there, but i dont' wanna come off too desperate. But yeaaaaah. I loved dom, I will say that. But i wasn't IN love with him...With him, life was harder. Only thing I really got out of is was a social life. lol. And not gonna lie, it was hard to let go of that...I can honestly say that I've changed quite a bit since I've broken up with him and started talking to you again. Not even like TALKING talking, just becoming friends again like before made me realize what I had let go, or what let me go anywaise. During the most recent relationship with dom, we were arguing quite a bit. And me being me, I kept making excuses for his behavior and him being a good manipulator, I feel or the tricks. But I didn't understand why we constantly fought, while the whole time HE knew...he stated in the most perfect way possible and that was that "he wasn't perfect, he isn't you [dan]." After we broke up the first time, i was unconsciously looking for you in every guy I dated after you without even knowing. I wanted you ever since I met yooou.....MY GOD i sound crazy. But it's true honey. And i know my words are nothing really, but I WILL show you that this is all coming from my heart and that you are all I want. I WILL wait for you when you leave for your career, I will wait for you even if you don't want me anymore, I will wait for you when you need a mental day off...honey just give me time to prove all of this to you. I will do anything. I guess it's true when they say you never know what you go till it's gone...well all along i knew you were perfect, but drifiting apart from you made it that much more clear. I don't want the time and memories we have together to end. Us taking things slow is the best way to go. I adore you in every way possible...I love the fact that you can stay at home and just play video games for hours, I love the way you hold me, I love the way you talk about your job both the times you hate and love it, I love how we could talk about history, I love how I can say stupid things to you and you reinforce it with an even more ridculous comment, I love everything about yooooou!!! All I ask is for you to give me time, and i have faith that you will too see my efforts and that you will in turn give me the happiness that you always have.
cheer up my lito chocobo...You've got me. [i know, i'm not worth 600 bucks. =p]
Sunday, October 19, 2008
paths
Our paths seem to always cross each other, n the way that they have, things just dont happen like that. It's like...we're meant to be.
I admit, i lost my way while you were gone n left me out in the cold for a while. but no more excuses. I'll own up to my mistakes and say I'm sorri, I can only prove to you with time that you really are IT. And yes, i am sure. Sorri that i didn't catch your hint sooner. =p
Our memories are unforgettable, they're countless. I could talk to you for hours, you tell me how you feel about. You give me new reasons to keep smiling, you give me a new meaning on how to enjoy life.
I will wait for you from now on, and that's a fact.
I've learned my lessons from the past, and i believe things happen for a reason. Maybe we both needed to go our seperate ways in order to realize what we had. Poopstain! I heart yooooouu! Give me a chance to prove to you that i've only been in love with one person my whole life, and that is yoou!!
I admit, i lost my way while you were gone n left me out in the cold for a while. but no more excuses. I'll own up to my mistakes and say I'm sorri, I can only prove to you with time that you really are IT. And yes, i am sure. Sorri that i didn't catch your hint sooner. =p
Our memories are unforgettable, they're countless. I could talk to you for hours, you tell me how you feel about. You give me new reasons to keep smiling, you give me a new meaning on how to enjoy life.
I will wait for you from now on, and that's a fact.
I've learned my lessons from the past, and i believe things happen for a reason. Maybe we both needed to go our seperate ways in order to realize what we had. Poopstain! I heart yooooouu! Give me a chance to prove to you that i've only been in love with one person my whole life, and that is yoou!!
Friday, October 17, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
unexpect the expected.
i got that feeling today.
how sooon...so weird.
only you've given this to me.
ps. i drove on the highway by myself today. =] yeeee. i checked my blindspots tooooo. lol.
how sooon...so weird.
only you've given this to me.
ps. i drove on the highway by myself today. =] yeeee. i checked my blindspots tooooo. lol.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Happy Bento
Today was a good day. =]
Today we went to watch Eagle Eye...FINALLY. At first my stupid ass went to the wrong theater lol. Completely empty, how hot was that. Haha, j/k. pervs. But we watched it and it was coolio. Ate us some crunch bunches mmmmm...Then we went over to Happy Bento. Pretty dang good yo. Had us some sushi and some weird type of ice cream. He's mean though, always makes fun of my driving. But he's sweet at the same time "...shannon's like a butterfly in the clear sky, the only one truly here for me..." how corny right? But how lucky am i to have a guy who thinks of me like that when he sees something as simple as that...this guy. No one can compare.
ps. the spoons were so cute! but he didnt let me steal them. =[
Today we went to watch Eagle Eye...FINALLY. At first my stupid ass went to the wrong theater lol. Completely empty, how hot was that. Haha, j/k. pervs. But we watched it and it was coolio. Ate us some crunch bunches mmmmm...Then we went over to Happy Bento. Pretty dang good yo. Had us some sushi and some weird type of ice cream. He's mean though, always makes fun of my driving. But he's sweet at the same time "...shannon's like a butterfly in the clear sky, the only one truly here for me..." how corny right? But how lucky am i to have a guy who thinks of me like that when he sees something as simple as that...this guy. No one can compare.
ps. the spoons were so cute! but he didnt let me steal them. =[
Us Against The World
This would be my version of perfection.
Now...I know that a lot of people will talk because of the decisions I've made over the past year and may think that I'm totally contradicting what i've said. and maybe i am. Maybe I am contradicting what i've SAID. But my actions that I've made in the past year have contradicted what i've actually felt.
For once in my life, I've stopped making excuses, i've stopped lieing to myself, i've stopped feeding myself bullshit and started to realize what really is. I'm finally doing something for myself for once in my life.
No other person in this world has ever made me feel the way that he has. Those unbelievable amounts of butterflies, and that other feeling that's sooo indiscribable and i long for ever since I felt it with him. And as much as I've searched and searched, and thinking that I found it in someone else...i feel it again with him and I realize that NO ONE can compare. No one can make me feel the way that he does. I can literally talk to him about ANYTHING, people say that about their significant others, but fo'real...i can talk to him about anything, Never have i ever had a full fledge conversation about history with anybody else, and just the most randomest things, even the "bad" things. He's real, he's ambitious, he's my motivation, he's my party partner, he's what drives me to make me better. I picked up the piano for him. I'm tryin to extend my vocabulary for him to impress him. He makes me smarter and reinfources me. My mom loves him, and so does our dog. lol. My goooodness. i could go on and on and on about him.
So I guess what i'm tryin to say is that, I dont give a fuck about anybody's opinion. I'm sayin this in advance, cause I know people talk. I will never find anyone like him again, and this time, I'm going to play the cards right, for once. As long as I have my best friend [an actual best friend who gets every aspect of me in every way possible], family and sisters, then I'm good for the rest of my life.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Movies I want to watch
In no particular order:
-Invisible Children
-Definetly, Maybe
-Hancock
-Wanted
-Hellevator
-Be Kind, Rewind
-New York, I Love You
-Forgetting Sarah Marshall
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Fisher
-Eagle Eye
-Indiana Jones IV
-Sweeney Todd
-Nick and Norah's Infinte Playlist
-Eagle Eye
-My Best Friend's Girl
-Nights in Rodanthe
-Burn After Reading
-How to Lose Friends and Alieante People
-Blindness
-Once
-Science of Sleep
-City of God
-Hotel Rowanda
-
-Definetly, Maybe
-
-
-Hellevator
-Be Kind, Rewind
-New York, I Love You
-
-
-Sweeney Todd
-Nick and Norah's Infinte Playlist
-My Best Friend's Girl
-Nights in Rodanthe
-Burn After Reading
-How to Lose Friends and Alieante People
-Blindness
-Once
-City of God
-
Friday, October 3, 2008
Lao Tzu
"the greatest illusion is fear."
"if you try to make people happy, you are laying the groundwork for misery."
"if you try to make people happy, you are laying the groundwork for misery."
Saturday, September 27, 2008
monkey
"you can't control your emotions
just your actions."
embed that into your brain babygirl. stupid.
just your actions."
embed that into your brain babygirl. stupid.
Friday, September 26, 2008
not ready to mingle
high expecations = me.
its bad.
i know.
but now i know why i seek out perfection.
its cause i had perfect before.
i can't have it back [man o man do i wish i could]
and i dont want to settle
so ... i guess, that means i'll be single for the rest of my life. *shrugs
its bad.
i know.
but now i know why i seek out perfection.
its cause i had perfect before.
i can't have it back [man o man do i wish i could]
and i dont want to settle
so ... i guess, that means i'll be single for the rest of my life. *shrugs
Thursday, September 25, 2008
2m.
The past couple weeks have slowed down significantly me in terms of lifestyle. In other words, no distractions have stopped me from thinking. And in the short amount of time that seemed like eternity, i still have yet to come to a conclustion on why my last relationship didn't work out and won't work out.
I now realize that there's a reason why all the things that happened, happened. And I'm done with that chapter. But I still constnatly wonder why things ended. I use to always believe that as long as two people love each other with a little effort, a relationship will work out. I loved him and i believed he loved me. I gave so much of myself to him and our time together was fun. So why didn't it work out? Was it cause he didn't love me? Was it cause I didn't love him? Was i not good enough? I dunno. What makes a relationship work?
I guess, I'll start a 'con' list for our relationship that i've gone back and forth with for too long:
-He flirts too much, the effect of feeling special when he did wore off quickly
-He's a good lier
-He's good at hiding stuff
-He's TOO popular
-he goes with the flow a little too much
-his lifestyle dont fit my future plans
-mommy n daddy dont really like him
- i was big on mushy gooshy corny stuff, he wasn't
'pro'
-he was willing to work things out dispite my stupid comments or accusations
-a really caring person [even if it wasnt toward just me]
-i loved him
Ok, so I wasn't planning on making a 'pro' list, but i thought i'd add it in there so that the fact that i was with him isn't so obsolete. But what makes a relationship work? There will always be rain in a relationship, but i guess what counts is what you do after the fact. What you do to make it right?? i mean...right?
I only know one thing that makes a relationship fun. It's an equal mutual attraction toward eachother. If one's more 'in love' with the other, they may appear clingy and if the other dosen't show the same kind of affection then the other feels like they're not gettin attention. When there is an EQUAL mutual attraction where both show the same kind of affection and the same amount, then there's a step toward a good relationship. At least in my opinion, derived from experience of course.
...to be continued...
I now realize that there's a reason why all the things that happened, happened. And I'm done with that chapter. But I still constnatly wonder why things ended. I use to always believe that as long as two people love each other with a little effort, a relationship will work out. I loved him and i believed he loved me. I gave so much of myself to him and our time together was fun. So why didn't it work out? Was it cause he didn't love me? Was it cause I didn't love him? Was i not good enough? I dunno. What makes a relationship work?
I guess, I'll start a 'con' list for our relationship that i've gone back and forth with for too long:
-He flirts too much, the effect of feeling special when he did wore off quickly
-He's a good lier
-He's good at hiding stuff
-He's TOO popular
-he goes with the flow a little too much
-his lifestyle dont fit my future plans
-mommy n daddy dont really like him
- i was big on mushy gooshy corny stuff, he wasn't
'pro'
-he was willing to work things out dispite my stupid comments or accusations
-a really caring person [even if it wasnt toward just me]
-i loved him
Ok, so I wasn't planning on making a 'pro' list, but i thought i'd add it in there so that the fact that i was with him isn't so obsolete. But what makes a relationship work? There will always be rain in a relationship, but i guess what counts is what you do after the fact. What you do to make it right?? i mean...right?
I only know one thing that makes a relationship fun. It's an equal mutual attraction toward eachother. If one's more 'in love' with the other, they may appear clingy and if the other dosen't show the same kind of affection then the other feels like they're not gettin attention. When there is an EQUAL mutual attraction where both show the same kind of affection and the same amount, then there's a step toward a good relationship. At least in my opinion, derived from experience of course.
...to be continued...
Monday, September 22, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
1st week.
fuuuck, i'm soo sore!
my calves hurt hella baad.
Standing all day for 10 hours is what i've done this whole week. And today I bagged. My first job fooolks! Aren't you proud of me. hehe. I've worked this whole week for 10 hrs. [except for today]. Met some pretty cool people even though they're all youngins, they iight i guess. But I made some moneys on my own. =] yee. Hopefully I can come back to do some demos at the Commissary and maybe bag on the weekends. Maybe. But cheay.
school starts wed. poop.
my calves hurt hella baad.
Standing all day for 10 hours is what i've done this whole week. And today I bagged. My first job fooolks! Aren't you proud of me. hehe. I've worked this whole week for 10 hrs. [except for today]. Met some pretty cool people even though they're all youngins, they iight i guess. But I made some moneys on my own. =] yee. Hopefully I can come back to do some demos at the Commissary and maybe bag on the weekends. Maybe. But cheay.
school starts wed. poop.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Friday, September 12, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Fantastic 4.
Thank you girls.
& as for you.
this is soley dedicated to you [sunset - marques houston].
i'll love you forever.
& as for you.
this is soley dedicated to you [sunset - marques houston].
i'll love you forever.
Friday, September 5, 2008
DREAM
[this was a another crazy dream]
Me and my mom were driving through a cemetary and there were people on the sidewalk and i was being me n talkin shit and being a bitch. Then all of a sudden i see this purple thing and i freak out, it was like a purple light and then it turned into a black shadow that sort of looked like a man. And i was like "Mom drive faster!" and sayin what is that what is that. so we drove to this one place with lots of people and we parked and then me and my mom started to run. And i was like, mom we should pray. We prayed, i asked for forgiveness because I was being a bitch to people i don't know. Then all of a sudden a group of maybe four people came running toward us yelling at us to run. And I saw the purple thing in the sky again. But it turned into a sign for like Ikea or somthin like it was trying to disguise itself. But I was like let's pray. So we did and me and my mom left the group of people. We were walking back toward our car and then I saw the purple thing behind me again just following me. Then I looked at my mom telling her I was really scared and she looked at me telling me that I had a blue aoura around me and that it wasn't good. Then we see a father and I asked him to help me. He was in the middle of doing another thing to another person but i asked if he could help me and so he did. He said somthing like you have the holy spirit within you and you need to have God's spirit within me because it's slowly diminishing [somthin like that] and he layed me down and did somthing to me while i was grasping onto like four rosaries. Then all of a sudden I fell back. And the blue aoura was gone and i no longer saw the purple thing. I hugged him and thanked him and I cried to my mom. And theeeen...my phone started to vibrate.
*i do this for my own personal benefit in keeping track of my dreams
Me and my mom were driving through a cemetary and there were people on the sidewalk and i was being me n talkin shit and being a bitch. Then all of a sudden i see this purple thing and i freak out, it was like a purple light and then it turned into a black shadow that sort of looked like a man. And i was like "Mom drive faster!" and sayin what is that what is that. so we drove to this one place with lots of people and we parked and then me and my mom started to run. And i was like, mom we should pray. We prayed, i asked for forgiveness because I was being a bitch to people i don't know. Then all of a sudden a group of maybe four people came running toward us yelling at us to run. And I saw the purple thing in the sky again. But it turned into a sign for like Ikea or somthin like it was trying to disguise itself. But I was like let's pray. So we did and me and my mom left the group of people. We were walking back toward our car and then I saw the purple thing behind me again just following me. Then I looked at my mom telling her I was really scared and she looked at me telling me that I had a blue aoura around me and that it wasn't good. Then we see a father and I asked him to help me. He was in the middle of doing another thing to another person but i asked if he could help me and so he did. He said somthing like you have the holy spirit within you and you need to have God's spirit within me because it's slowly diminishing [somthin like that] and he layed me down and did somthing to me while i was grasping onto like four rosaries. Then all of a sudden I fell back. And the blue aoura was gone and i no longer saw the purple thing. I hugged him and thanked him and I cried to my mom. And theeeen...my phone started to vibrate.
*i do this for my own personal benefit in keeping track of my dreams
Monday, September 1, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
<3
And this is unconditional love. No matter how many times i've fucked up, they still love me.
Even if we do something SO stupid and ridiculous, they still got me.
Even if we are seperated for a long period of time, they will always be here.
I love these girls so much.
They are my life.
Friday, August 29, 2008
voooid
I'm feeling kinda emo right now. Why? I have no idea. I guess I've been feeling like this for a while now though. Breaking up with Dom, was so rough for me, although it may seem like I've moved on hella quick [which i did], I was strugglin with the decision i made way before we even reallly officially broke up. It took me two months, if not more, to work up the guts to tell him I'm done. Which i am...DONE! with him anywaise. That decision has given some relief to my heart and my mind and my body. I'm not so stressed out anymore. So I am very happy I made that decision. But i'm not sayin that our relationship was total shit. There were some priceless moments that we shared and some things that i'm going to miss. But the cons out weighed the pros. I can't see myself with him in the future, I don't trust him, he's too much of a popular guy for me, it has NEVER been just me and him, even if it is just us two, his phone goes off every freakin second, literally! it drove me crazy. And i can only lie to myself for so long. Sooo...i got out of the lie. a relief.
But...that void of sadness still sits in my heart and no matter what i do, i can't shake it. For the life of me, i just can't be happy. When i have everything in front of me to be happy. I think i'm still really upset about my Dad. But i just don't wanna admit it. Which is true. I don't want to admit that my dad passed away. I just, i can't believe it. It's so weird, so depressing. I miss him so much more then i thought i would. [that sounds bad, but really we were not THAT close, but he's my dad] I miss him. I don't think anyone can shake this feeling outta me.
But...that void of sadness still sits in my heart and no matter what i do, i can't shake it. For the life of me, i just can't be happy. When i have everything in front of me to be happy. I think i'm still really upset about my Dad. But i just don't wanna admit it. Which is true. I don't want to admit that my dad passed away. I just, i can't believe it. It's so weird, so depressing. I miss him so much more then i thought i would. [that sounds bad, but really we were not THAT close, but he's my dad] I miss him. I don't think anyone can shake this feeling outta me.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
hate
HATE...being single!
haaaaaaate it!
I need to be single for a while though. It'll be good for me. Somthing that i haven't expereinced in a very long time. But if i found someone just to kick it with, no strings attached, but just to hang out with, oh that would be loverly.
But holy crap...i wanna fall in love again. That feeling, is AMAZING! and honestly, only one person in this world has ever made me feel so unbelivabley happy. But it just didn't work out with us cause he's a pussy. I wish i could find someone who would be willing to stay up all night just to hear about my day, i wish i could confide in someone, someone i could cry to and he would play video games with me to cheer me up. siiiiiiiiiigh...but it's all just a dream!! i'm so hopeless and i'm such a pessimiste. Me gettin to that stage of happiness again and putting myself in that state of vulnerability is going to be a loong time from now.
haaaaaaate it!
I need to be single for a while though. It'll be good for me. Somthing that i haven't expereinced in a very long time. But if i found someone just to kick it with, no strings attached, but just to hang out with, oh that would be loverly.
But holy crap...i wanna fall in love again. That feeling, is AMAZING! and honestly, only one person in this world has ever made me feel so unbelivabley happy. But it just didn't work out with us cause he's a pussy. I wish i could find someone who would be willing to stay up all night just to hear about my day, i wish i could confide in someone, someone i could cry to and he would play video games with me to cheer me up. siiiiiiiiiigh...but it's all just a dream!! i'm so hopeless and i'm such a pessimiste. Me gettin to that stage of happiness again and putting myself in that state of vulnerability is going to be a loong time from now.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
Good Day
Sunnyside beach
Picnic
Pottery [ugly frame]
Good conversation
Hands
A Carnation
No Putt Putt
Digital Grand Piano
Dancing With the Stars
Your beautiful, Your gay. lol
Picnic
Pottery [ugly frame]
Good conversation
Hands
A Carnation
No Putt Putt
Digital Grand Piano
Dancing With the Stars
Your beautiful, Your gay. lol
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
John West - Thought I was
Verse 1:
She came into my day
I told her softly
That maybe she could stay
It feels so right
To feel like this
Cuz after all
Ignorance is bliss
She stayed a while
Then packed her things
That's why I sing
I lived like she wanted me to
Chorus:
Cuz I thought I was in love with you
I thought I was in love
I thought I was in love with you
I thought I was
I thought I was
Verse 2:
Next love I tried to look with both eyes open
Hoping that I would find
Myself a better half
Let's do the math
And take away the point of view
She blinded me
I stumbled in
I fell for her
Once again
I lived like she wanted me to cuz
Chorus:
I thought I was love with you
I thought I was love with you
Maybe you thought you was in love too
But I thought I was in love with you
Thought I was
Verse 3:
Last love I had
Last thing I needed
But who was gonna tell me that
If it was real
Then I should feel
Somebody giving it back to me
So it's a shame
No need to blame
We play these games
Whether we know
I lived like she wanted me to
i'm not a player i just crush a lot.
She came into my day
I told her softly
That maybe she could stay
It feels so right
To feel like this
Cuz after all
Ignorance is bliss
She stayed a while
Then packed her things
That's why I sing
I lived like she wanted me to
Chorus:
Cuz I thought I was in love with you
I thought I was in love
I thought I was in love with you
I thought I was
I thought I was
Verse 2:
Next love I tried to look with both eyes open
Hoping that I would find
Myself a better half
Let's do the math
And take away the point of view
She blinded me
I stumbled in
I fell for her
Once again
I lived like she wanted me to cuz
Chorus:
I thought I was love with you
I thought I was love with you
Maybe you thought you was in love too
But I thought I was in love with you
Thought I was
Verse 3:
Last love I had
Last thing I needed
But who was gonna tell me that
If it was real
Then I should feel
Somebody giving it back to me
So it's a shame
No need to blame
We play these games
Whether we know
I lived like she wanted me to
i'm not a player i just crush a lot.
Friday, August 8, 2008
chillage
I feel so carefree now.
No stress. No expectations. No disappointments.
I haven't cried. [is that bad?]
I look forward to a new adventure.
And it will be an adventure for me to be single again.
gahhh. i HATE being single.
but we'll see how it goes. and i should take time to myself for once & take things slow.
No stress. No expectations. No disappointments.
I haven't cried. [is that bad?]
I look forward to a new adventure.
And it will be an adventure for me to be single again.
gahhh. i HATE being single.
but we'll see how it goes. and i should take time to myself for once & take things slow.
Monday, August 4, 2008
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Season 1
I watched all of Season 1 of Grey's Anatomy.
I need a job! buuut. it just inspired me even more to want to become a nurse and be around that environment. ya dig! I love this show. buuut, not as much as i love House.
I need a job! buuut. it just inspired me even more to want to become a nurse and be around that environment. ya dig! I love this show. buuut, not as much as i love House.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Cranium!
Number 1!! Champions.
feel meeee! Me, Maedel & Taco conqured. and all of you guys are haters and sore losers! lol.
Cranium is bomb!
& Happy 92nd Birthday Grandma!
Friday, July 18, 2008
I cut my hair!
It's a lot shorter than what i wanted...but it's ok.ANNND. i wanna color it blonde underneath. cheay?
annd yeah, imma camera whore.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Independence
Its true when they say that in the end you only have yourself.
I dunno if I'm about to start my period or if i'm really truly sad. Cause I do feel extremely, well more lost than anything. And I feel like there's no one here to guide me, except for God and myself. And maybe that's all that I have in the end. Granted, I do have a tremendous family and great friends. I feel like I'm missing something when there's everything right in front of me that's there to create a good life. And I always try to make the best out of things, I always look on the brighter side of life cause there's always someone else out there that has it way worst then me. And I always try to turn things into a positive. But it dosen't always work out that way. And this, is one of those times and its hard for me handle.
What I have on my plate right now is so hard for me to handle. School is bustin my ass, but its what i need in order to have a good life for myself, a stepping stoen to my independence. My father just passed and I'm the one who's taking care of my mother, I'm the one not going to the college of my choice, I'm the one making sacrifices in my life in order to keep my mom's mind off of the great loss that she's just had. I feel like my boyfriend is giving up on me, like I'm just going to get over it and that's it. Like he dosen't feel like putting up with me or giving me advice cause he's always gonna have me. And it's not like I'm planning on going out to look for other guys, but I'm not tryin to stay in a place where there's a minimum amount of effort there to keep me. But it's whatevers. I guess I'm just in a place right now that I've never been before and I don't know how to handle it really.
But for you Daddy, I'm going to try my best to stay strong and make you oh so proud.
I dunno if I'm about to start my period or if i'm really truly sad. Cause I do feel extremely, well more lost than anything. And I feel like there's no one here to guide me, except for God and myself. And maybe that's all that I have in the end. Granted, I do have a tremendous family and great friends. I feel like I'm missing something when there's everything right in front of me that's there to create a good life. And I always try to make the best out of things, I always look on the brighter side of life cause there's always someone else out there that has it way worst then me. And I always try to turn things into a positive. But it dosen't always work out that way. And this, is one of those times and its hard for me handle.
What I have on my plate right now is so hard for me to handle. School is bustin my ass, but its what i need in order to have a good life for myself, a stepping stoen to my independence. My father just passed and I'm the one who's taking care of my mother, I'm the one not going to the college of my choice, I'm the one making sacrifices in my life in order to keep my mom's mind off of the great loss that she's just had. I feel like my boyfriend is giving up on me, like I'm just going to get over it and that's it. Like he dosen't feel like putting up with me or giving me advice cause he's always gonna have me. And it's not like I'm planning on going out to look for other guys, but I'm not tryin to stay in a place where there's a minimum amount of effort there to keep me. But it's whatevers. I guess I'm just in a place right now that I've never been before and I don't know how to handle it really.
But for you Daddy, I'm going to try my best to stay strong and make you oh so proud.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PRINCESS
Happy 18th Birthday Princess Kimi!
Yayy! You can finally go clubbing with us! Wha hoooo! lol. Your finally legal and you are takin no time in using that to your advantage. lol. Tommorrow your goin with turner to go get a cigar, scratch tickets, porn, and a sex toy. Just cause! lol. I'm 19 and I still haven' bought cigarettes, and i smoke more than you or Sarah. haha. but cheay. I'm excited for your debut! =] yikidee! Another memory to add to our life long of memories that we have. I durno why I'm writing this to you though lol. I'll see you tommorrow boo. I love you and you already know all the mushy gooshy crap i gotta say. =] Love you! HP3♥
Yayy! You can finally go clubbing with us! Wha hoooo! lol. Your finally legal and you are takin no time in using that to your advantage. lol. Tommorrow your goin with turner to go get a cigar, scratch tickets, porn, and a sex toy. Just cause! lol. I'm 19 and I still haven' bought cigarettes, and i smoke more than you or Sarah. haha. but cheay. I'm excited for your debut! =] yikidee! Another memory to add to our life long of memories that we have. I durno why I'm writing this to you though lol. I'll see you tommorrow boo. I love you and you already know all the mushy gooshy crap i gotta say. =] Love you! HP3♥
Monday, June 16, 2008
Ink
So I've always wanted a tattoo.
But i'm not just gonna go out and randomly get one just to have one. I want one with meaning. Was gonna get a heart with crossbones, buut, I've already grown outta that phase. So I'm thinking..."Dear daddy". Cause there's still so much I have to say to him and i never have gotten the chance to say it to him. Not even at his funeral mass did I even get to say all that there was to say, due to time and to nerves, all the words i had in my heart to tell him weren't said.
I haven't sad down and actually thought about what has actually happened. I'm scared to. Is it necessary for me to? I dunno, probably maybe. But even just a second of just scanning of that last weekend of his life, of him suffereing and all the hurt he was feeling in that hospital bed. And those eyes, who tried so hard to talk to me, and to his family, but he couldn't cause that fuckin cancer. It was hard because we couldn't have a conversation with him like we would have liked to. That was the hardest thing. And to think, I did nothing this year as a college student to make him proud. As hard as i tried, I didn't have outstanding accomplishments to make him proud, instead we got into the hugest fights ever. I feel like I failed as a daughter during those last months of your life. And for that I'm truly sorry. But what kills me the most, is that my absolute favorite memory of you is when we danced together at my debut and we were just making fun of eachother. And you tried not to cry. haha. And it was the most memorable thing about my whole debut, and it was the perfect father daughter dance ever. But you won't be there for wedding to give me away or dance with me there, you won't be there to see my graduate from college, or be there to see my first child be born. And that kills me so much. I miss you. As much as we fought, and as much as you are a quite person. I miss you so much. Mommy misses you so much too. She loves you so much. But we're doin ok, Kuya moved back home and we're taking care of mommy for you ok.
And even with that I still have so much to say.
Monday, May 12, 2008
I love you daddy.
@ 5:30 his soul was taken by the Lord.
May he rest in paradise.
We miss you so much already.
May he rest in paradise.
We miss you so much already.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Invisible Children
Ever since I watched Veronica Mars and learned about Invisible Children, its been on my mind like CRAZY! Then i entered spring quarter 08 and had a course on the "uglyness", for lack of better words, about South East asia and the slums of these places. Then recently Idol Gives Back comes on and all of these faces of these repressed children of Africa, just literally makes my heart melt. Not like the typical person who feels empathy for them and who says "that's horrible" and maybe donates some money to oraganizations.
I like, really, this might sound crazy. I feel like it is my mission to go out and to at least see one of these children and maybe save just one child. Not just by money, but by going to their homes and help them build a school, distrubte food, distrube medicine, help the diseased. I WANT TO SAVE THEM! and if ever i get that change, i will probably break down and my kness and cry to the lord and say thank you for letting this DREAM of mine come true.
Cause that's what it is. It's my dream to go to the uglies places on this earth and help people. I know i sould like a total hippy or humanitarian, but seriously, its what i want to do.
With invisible children there's an internship that they give out to young people to go to Norther Uganda and help protect, and learn, the child soldiers in Uganda. This organization also helps these children by trying to build a school so that they could get educated in their homes. Words can not describe, how badly i want to help them.
HELP THEM...helpless children just trying to survive, and not even living their childhood. That's one thing I want to do before I die. I feel, if I dont accomplish that goal, I won't have lived my life to the fullest and for its purpose. Honestly.
God put us on this earth for a reason, and somthing, just somthing keeps telling me, that maybe this is it. Help them. i see those faces and that something is pulling at my heart. Maybe its just pure empathy and i feel it more deeply than others, but in my mind its not. Its a dream, and even a purpose for me...
WOW! this sounds so gaaay and ridiculosly cliche. hahaha. but i feel like i had to write this down somewhere.
Here's somthing about it:
I like, really, this might sound crazy. I feel like it is my mission to go out and to at least see one of these children and maybe save just one child. Not just by money, but by going to their homes and help them build a school, distrubte food, distrube medicine, help the diseased. I WANT TO SAVE THEM! and if ever i get that change, i will probably break down and my kness and cry to the lord and say thank you for letting this DREAM of mine come true.
Cause that's what it is. It's my dream to go to the uglies places on this earth and help people. I know i sould like a total hippy or humanitarian, but seriously, its what i want to do.
With invisible children there's an internship that they give out to young people to go to Norther Uganda and help protect, and learn, the child soldiers in Uganda. This organization also helps these children by trying to build a school so that they could get educated in their homes. Words can not describe, how badly i want to help them.
HELP THEM...helpless children just trying to survive, and not even living their childhood. That's one thing I want to do before I die. I feel, if I dont accomplish that goal, I won't have lived my life to the fullest and for its purpose. Honestly.
God put us on this earth for a reason, and somthing, just somthing keeps telling me, that maybe this is it. Help them. i see those faces and that something is pulling at my heart. Maybe its just pure empathy and i feel it more deeply than others, but in my mind its not. Its a dream, and even a purpose for me...
WOW! this sounds so gaaay and ridiculosly cliche. hahaha. but i feel like i had to write this down somewhere.
Here's somthing about it:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
