I feel like I need some time to myself. Just for a couple of days...evaluate myself, where i'm at right now in life. I haven't done that in a while. I've sort of lost that good mentality that i've been having. In a way, i sort of feel like i've lost a little bit of myself. Only thing that might be able to fix it, is honestly, him. He grounds me, checks me back into reality. I miss having someone like that around. Fortunately, he'll be home soon, and life could go back to being exciting. lol.
I found out some unpleasent news today, it's weird, i thought that i would be more bummed if i ever found out that it happened. But surprisingly, I'm not as bummed. Of course, i'm upset. But more upset at the fact that I was so nieve, stupid and too optimistic. And some wonder why I'm pessimistic. But that kind of dampered my mood.
That and the fact that daddy's one year is coming up. I try not to think about it, when I do, i just ball my eyes out. I can't believe that it's almost been a year. I still feel like he's just on vacation or something and that he's going to come back home. Maybe not soon, but in the future. I regret so much of last year. I wish I was home more, I wish I was less stubborn, I wish i had listen to them instead of trying to be rebellious. I sort of wish I wasn't so optimistic, just to prepare myself. I wish I was there to take care of my mom. I wish we didn't get into that big argument at Uwajimaya. And that being the last time we had a real conversation, it KILLS me inside. I never talk about my dad to anyone, at all. I just sort of smile, shrug it off and act like I'm a strong person so that people won't feel pity for me, cause that's the last thing I need. But I remember saturday night, I was in that room with him, he couldn't talk, but I said to him, I'd do good in school. And he just went to sleep. And I knew he heard me. I wish I could tell him how sorry I am, for being so stubborn, like he was. I regret so much, and it will forever kill me inside. The most painful thing i could ever experience. I'm sorry daddy, I miss you. I got on the dean's list at school for my good grades. I hope you're proud of me.
I loooooooove you! 
