Somtimes

i just wanna
burst at the seams and just poor my heart out to you.

but for the sake of you havin so much on your plate right now, and for the fact time makes everything better, and for the understanding that you need from me, and because i don't wanna scare you away, and i dont wanna seem like one of those girlfriends who wants all of you right now or nothing.......sorri if i've been contradictory to all of those. i'm a little lost right now, i admit, tryin to find that balance again ya know. and sorri if i havent been takin care of you lately. i just want you to smile. i just want you to smile. relax. know im here, but do your own thing. i'll always be right here. [as desperate as it may sound.]

i promise, crosses don't count, nothing counts.
i will always be right here.

blehh

" I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I'm out of control, and at times I'm hard to handle but, if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best" - -Marilyn Monroe

long day

twas an extremely long day...but i guess you can say my hope has in a sense been reinstalled at least a little. but my dream to go to tokyo is gonna have to wait a couple of years...so cheay. oh well. i wanna start workin asap. so dreams gonna have to wait right now

Overwhelmed

GAHH! I'm so freakin stressed right now.
My future is looking more and more farther and harder now a days. And my pessimestic mentality is not helping me calm down or have any more hope. So it's looking like I have to wait until winter of 2010 til i could POSSIBLY get into a nursing school...it's not even a gurantee. omg! eff my life. My inspiration and self-motivation is shot.
But, assface is helpin me get my ish together and my mother's controlling ways is inspiring me to get released as soon as i can from her grasp...the only way i could do that is get my degree, and get my own place and be indpendent for once. That freedom...seems so far away and never-reaching! And i can't stand it!!!! Lord help me. pleaaase....

BUT, on the brighter side.
This weekend was loverly. =]
Saturday went on a walk at frontier park and discovered new terrains over there. Like, there's a go-kart place there and i never knew that the whole 14 years I've lived next to the park. lol. Saw some big ol hourse doo doo. haha. Then did some family business and ate at King Wok Buffet was kinda nasty but whateva. Boyfriend made a fool of himself tryin to out stack my cousin's and aunt's ice cream swirling. lol. And we played a game that i HATE. gahh', but there's a first time for everything i guess. Then came home, watched a movie of course and TRIED to figure out how to make Dark Knight work, but we didn't. But the next morning went to IHOP with our best friends, Jordan and Sarah. Pretty damn good. Niggas was jealous of us though cause we know how to keep ourselves entertained wherever we go. Aka, everywhere's our living room?? lol. But seriously who goes to a reasturant by themselves. the eff right? But anywaise. Ending up goin to Hustler Hollywood, discovered what an effin freak my boyfriend really is. NASTY! And that pornos can cost up to 60 bucks. jeebus. Then raised havock at Wal-Mart, but not really, that place made us sleepy haha. Headed home, tried to make chopper and chanel have babies, didn't work. Chopper's got no game. Then watched dark knight with the S Cable hunny buns bought for me. yeeee...He spends his money too much. Geezz...gotta start makin an expense book for him fo'realz. But yeaaah...twas a good weekend. =] Thanks to my honey buns. But then reality is settlin again and the control that my mother is tryin to have upon me, is driving me CRAZY! I need to have a break soon from this place. TOKYO HERE I COME!

poopsicle

i dont think imma see him today...


GAHHH!!!!!!!
right now I'm in the library, its about 4:20pm and I arrived here at around 1ish, studied hella, just waiting until he gets off...it would suck if he got off late cuase I'm busy tonight and I doubt my mom will want to go and pick him up. [she's jealous of him. =p] I just wanna see hiim, poops. I've hella emotionally lately, i think imma bout to start my period. No nose. But i do nose that I miss him and just wanna chillage with him. RAWR! lord help me.

why is it that

we always want what we don't have or opposite of what we do have...




wtf?

Starbucks

i dont like the one on canyon.
there's a lot of old people and there's not enough big comfy chairs to sit in.


new sanctuary = borders??
i dunno. but i need a new place to study. i'm startin to hate this library.

Jumping

He's jumpin out of an airplane today! whaa hoo!
i wish i could watch him, but it's at night. poops. But I know he's hella excited, and so am I for him.


Today's a sunny day.
Just updated my Christmas wish list. I think i blog too much even though everything I write is so simple and gay and no one reads it. lol. Bou to head to my new sanctuary that I found which of course would be STARBUCKS! =] I freakin' love studyin there. no joke. I need to buy some more perfume and a new camera. And save money for freakin christmas shoppin.


I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WIH MY LIFE ANYMORE!
Lord help me.

epitome

there's a diefference in knowing someone and understanding someone.












man o man.
so simple, yet answers so much.
[for me anywaise]

&&

he did say i love you.

oiii, these dreaded butterflies.
[how i've missed you so]

poopstain

GUNS GUNS GUNS ROCKETS ROCKETS!
oh how i heart you so assface.

even though your a pervert.
you're still my bestestesterest siir.
no doubt bout that. you certainly know me too well.
it sucks sometimes. lol.
but today was a goodie day. yee. right now you's is shinin your boots and watchin city of god. tommorrow is another day with you. =] we gooo movie! and commissary so we could fill up your freezer and some real food instead of those MRE's honey.

mission: make to do list and finalize it. and YOU needs to get car soono siir.

I'm not Crazy

I'm Caroline!!!

I miss her!

Red Cups

Had a great start to my day.



Went to starbucks, grabbed the usual.
Read a good book while listenin to some Jazz music.
And the thought of him...oh i love it so. =]


just made me feel really good.
good enough to blog about lol.

-someone buy my the gold card for Starbucks!!

monkey balls

Been feelin down in the dumps latley.
Motivation is lacking when I need it the most.
I have no reason to feel down. None at all. I guess my pessimism is getting the best of me now a days. I need to get up on my homework and shiet so i could live my American Dream. But i dunno why, ever since i seen daddy, been in a rutt. I have my best friend here too for my support and for that daily dose of laughter with his lame jokes. No problem there. Mother is chill, at least more then I would expect her to be now a days. I have no idea what's wrong with me.

I gotta shake it off as MC says. In a different sense of course. Gotta get some sunshine or something and get my happy neurotransmitters workin again. A walk would be comforting too. I guess I've been scared too lately. As much as I've been trying to convince myself I'm not attached as much as I really am, I'm attached on so many different levels. And it's CRAZY! Cuase I wasn't expecting anything to go down the way it has. But it has gone down, and I got what i've always wanted back but I'm tryin to not let my guard down so much, cause shiet, trust is so hard for me to give to someone now a days. I'm waiting for my version 2.5 to come around to it's full upgrade and let it's guard down at least a little. But I do see it chippin away, sloowly, but surely. I guess I just gotta have as much faith as he had in me, even when I was with another dude. [thanks btw]

Siiiiggggh...ranger the fuck up Shannon!
[and get your shit done]

his faithul concubine

Love rain down on me,on me,down on me(4x)

Met him on a Thursday,sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds, 84 degrees
He was brown,deep
Said he wanted to talk about my mission
Listen to my past lives (Word?)
Took me on long walks to places where butterflies rest easy
Talked about Moses and Mumia
Reparations,blue colors,memories of shell top adidas
He was fresh,like summer peaches
Sweet on my mind like block parties and penny candy
Us was nice and warm,no jacket,no umbrella,just warm
At night we would watch the stars
And he would physically give me each and every one
I felt like cayenne pepper,red,hot,spicy
I felt Dizzy and Sonia, heaven and Miles between my
thighs
Better than love,we made delicious
He me had,had me he
He had me tongue tied
I could hear his rhythm in my thoughts
I was his sharp, his horn section
His boom and his bip
And he was my love

Love rain down on me,on me,down on me

The rain was fallin and,and slowly and sweetly and stinging
my
eyes
And I could not see that he became my voodoo priest
And I was his faithful concubine
Wide open,wide,loose like bowels after collard greens
The mistake was made
Love slipped from my lips
Dripped down my chin and landed in his lap
And us became new
Now me non-clairvoyant and in love
Made the coochie easy and the obvious invisible
The rain was falling
And I couldn’t see the season changing
And the vibe slipping off it’s axis
Our beautiful melody became wildly staccato
The rain was falling and I could not see
That I was to be plowed and sowed and fertilized
And left to drown in his sunny afternoon
Cumulus clouds,84 degrees,melody

Love rain down on me,on me,down on me (2x)

(Mos Def:)

I stretch my arms towards the sky like blades of tall grass,
The sun beat between my shoulders like carnaval drums.
I sat still in hopes that it would help my wings grow
So then I could really be fly.
And then she arrived.
Like daybreak inside a railway tunnel,
like the new moon,
like a diamond in the mines,
like high noon to a junker,
Sudden…
She made my heart beat in the now, now time signature,
her skin a canvas for ultra violet brush strokes.
She was the sun’s painting,
she was a deep cogniac color,
her eyes sparkle like lights along the new city,
her lips purst as if her breath was too sweet and full for her mouth to hold.
I said:
“You are the beautiful distress of mathmatics,”
I said:
“For you, I will peel open the clouds like new fruit,
and give you lightning and thunder as a dowry,
I will make the sky shed all of it’s stars like rain,
and I will clast the constellations across your waste,
and i will make the heavens your keep.
And they will be pleased to cover you,
they will be pleased to cover you,
May i please… cover you…

…please…

&hecalls

right when i was about to write down my pessimistic views, he calls.

maybe he'll change this mentality of mine.
maybe he'll reinforce it.


for the time being, i'll just enjoy good company.