monkey

"you can't control your emotions
just your actions."



embed that into your brain babygirl. stupid.

not ready to mingle

high expecations = me.
its bad.
i know.

but now i know why i seek out perfection.

its cause i had perfect before.
i can't have it back [man o man do i wish i could]
and i dont want to settle
so ... i guess, that means i'll be single for the rest of my life. *shrugs

2m.

The past couple weeks have slowed down significantly me in terms of lifestyle. In other words, no distractions have stopped me from thinking. And in the short amount of time that seemed like eternity, i still have yet to come to a conclustion on why my last relationship didn't work out and won't work out.

I now realize that there's a reason why all the things that happened, happened. And I'm done with that chapter. But I still constnatly wonder why things ended. I use to always believe that as long as two people love each other with a little effort, a relationship will work out. I loved him and i believed he loved me. I gave so much of myself to him and our time together was fun. So why didn't it work out? Was it cause he didn't love me? Was it cause I didn't love him? Was i not good enough? I dunno. What makes a relationship work?

I guess, I'll start a 'con' list for our relationship that i've gone back and forth with for too long:
-He flirts too much, the effect of feeling special when he did wore off quickly
-He's a good lier
-He's good at hiding stuff
-He's TOO popular
-he goes with the flow a little too much
-his lifestyle dont fit my future plans
-mommy n daddy dont really like him
- i was big on mushy gooshy corny stuff, he wasn't

'pro'
-he was willing to work things out dispite my stupid comments or accusations
-a really caring person [even if it wasnt toward just me]
-i loved him

Ok, so I wasn't planning on making a 'pro' list, but i thought i'd add it in there so that the fact that i was with him isn't so obsolete. But what makes a relationship work? There will always be rain in a relationship, but i guess what counts is what you do after the fact. What you do to make it right?? i mean...right?

I only know one thing that makes a relationship fun. It's an equal mutual attraction toward eachother. If one's more 'in love' with the other, they may appear clingy and if the other dosen't show the same kind of affection then the other feels like they're not gettin attention. When there is an EQUAL mutual attraction where both show the same kind of affection and the same amount, then there's a step toward a good relationship. At least in my opinion, derived from experience of course.

...to be continued...

asshole

i miss you.

1st week.

fuuuck, i'm soo sore!
my calves hurt hella baad.
Standing all day for 10 hours is what i've done this whole week. And today I bagged. My first job fooolks! Aren't you proud of me. hehe. I've worked this whole week for 10 hrs. [except for today]. Met some pretty cool people even though they're all youngins, they iight i guess. But I made some moneys on my own. =] yee. Hopefully I can come back to do some demos at the Commissary and maybe bag on the weekends. Maybe. But cheay.

school starts wed. poop.

all i need

"cause you wont let go of anything you hold"

hmm

Happy Birthday Daddy.


<3i miss you.

Fantastic 4.

Thank you girls.


& as for you.
this is soley dedicated to you [sunset - marques houston].
i'll love you forever.

DREAM

[this was a another crazy dream]

Me and my mom were driving through a cemetary and there were people on the sidewalk and i was being me n talkin shit and being a bitch. Then all of a sudden i see this purple thing and i freak out, it was like a purple light and then it turned into a black shadow that sort of looked like a man. And i was like "Mom drive faster!" and sayin what is that what is that. so we drove to this one place with lots of people and we parked and then me and my mom started to run. And i was like, mom we should pray. We prayed, i asked for forgiveness because I was being a bitch to people i don't know. Then all of a sudden a group of maybe four people came running toward us yelling at us to run. And I saw the purple thing in the sky again. But it turned into a sign for like Ikea or somthin like it was trying to disguise itself. But I was like let's pray. So we did and me and my mom left the group of people. We were walking back toward our car and then I saw the purple thing behind me again just following me. Then I looked at my mom telling her I was really scared and she looked at me telling me that I had a blue aoura around me and that it wasn't good. Then we see a father and I asked him to help me. He was in the middle of doing another thing to another person but i asked if he could help me and so he did. He said somthing like you have the holy spirit within you and you need to have God's spirit within me because it's slowly diminishing [somthin like that] and he layed me down and did somthing to me while i was grasping onto like four rosaries. Then all of a sudden I fell back. And the blue aoura was gone and i no longer saw the purple thing. I hugged him and thanked him and I cried to my mom. And theeeen...my phone started to vibrate.

*i do this for my own personal benefit in keeping track of my dreams

shizz

TIME
my worst enemy.




i hate how i get myself in these situations.
you can't fource these things.