Happy 2 months.

He said he was in love with me three times, he told me that I was the love of his life. He asked me not to forget about him [how could i?] And he said that he'd never forget about me and that he didn't want to.
I havent felt like this, in thee longest time. And he's the only one to make me feel this way.
But i'm scared shitless. Cause yeah, he said all of that but he was drunk, he dosen't even remember that he said that. Even if the saying goes "a drunk mind speaks a sober heart". And he said that he means it, but still, there's a part of me that dosen't want to believe it because if I believe it then I set myself up for that hurt. I'd have that hope that wow, he really does love me but then...he dosen't say it when he's sober.
I dunno what's wrong with me. I'm so pessimistic, its not good for me and our relationship. I need to have more faith in him. But i'm soooooo scared. I've never been this scared and happy at the same time. I probably could be hella happier but I have my guard up too cause I don't wanna get hurt. And i would because it's true i love him. So much, it hurts. I sound crazy but this shits so real.
Somtimes I wish that he would say that to me when he was sober. I wish he was as nice to me when he's drunk. He loves me when he's drunk lol. But i'm not gonna go out there and say hey baby be nice to be, cause i want it to be genuine.
WTF IS WRONG WITH ME!
Stop worrying, and just be. yeah? ok. I make no sense at all. I'm scared, cause he said all that stuff. Not scared cause he's scaring me away, but scared because it's gettin realier, and that scares me.

He might change my mind about happily ever after.
Maybe. [i hope]

The Break Up

I have a hate-love relationship with this movie. I love it cause it reminds me of how me and my boy are with the arguing and how he would come back with a witty come back. But i hate it, cause it's called the 'break-up'.

Yeaaah, not cool right? But i also love it cause there's a scene toward the end where she has a complete melt down and he get's confronted on how he treats others. There's this one part where his best friend said to him "you only let people get so close to where you don't get hurt, you always have your guard up." And i'm thinking...OMG! that is totally, how he is. he dosen't even call anyone his best friend cause he dosen't let people in that much. And it scares the shit out of me cause here I am with my chest ripped wide open sayin "hey, here's my heart, go ahead, rip it into pieces or take care of it." I've let my most of my guard down and waiting patiently for him to, the whole while not even concidering that maybe, he never will let his guard down. And then when she melts down she says she dosen't feel appreciated and all that she wants is for him to show that he cared. Holy crap, she took the words right out of my mouth.

My heart right now, is going crazy. My eyes are puffy, my nose is red. I just wanna see him, see if that feeling is mutual. If there's a feeling at all. The thing is, I've NEVER felt the way I feel with him. I've never been happy before i met him and I've never been in love except with him. If we do 'break up' [again], truth is, i'll never fall in love again. I know that for a fact.

I'm pathetic.
I never stood a chance.

My fault

Being stuck in doors trying to stay warm with movies on TV with corny corny dialouge...there's not much else to do but think. So, being in this predicament, all i've done is think. and download emo songs which help me out with the pessimistic thinking that i'm oh so good at. I miss my boyfriend. Not just physically, but mentally as well. I don't know, i'm not blaming anything on him. It's all on me. I dunno what it is, but i feel like he's slipping from me. And it's my fault for allowing myself to be put in such a vulnerable place yet again only to be disappointed. It's my fault for losing his interest. It's my fault for trying so fuckin' hard. i have no one to blame but myself. And I feel like a complete idiot.

I use to be such a happy person. So nieve, so random, so open-minded with optimism. And now, i can't do anything without thinking about the consequences. I can't do anything without expecting the worst. I miss the stupid happy girl. Who honsetly didn't give a shit about anyone or anything or how anyone percieved how she was. I use to be so focused on trying to make others happy, and just so blank in a sense to these stupid shit emotions. I didn't know what love was, i didn't how it felt to be heartbroken. I didn't know the ultimate happiness. And people say, it's better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all. And I'm starting to think I would've been better off if I had never loved or atempted at the idea of it.

But of course, I was exposed to the ultimate happines there is. I fell in love. With a complete asshole. lol. Who did the sweetest, littlest things just to see me smile. And I'd give anything up, for him to come back to me. I'd give anything to feel that feeling that only he can give me. He's an amzaing person and still is, but i feel like, there's a big wall that he refueses to break down for me. And i'm waiting patiently, with my wall complete obliberated. I feel like a complete fool for thinking that he might be the same person as before forgetting that by nature all things, and everyone change.

I gotta get out of this place.
I gotta start learning to do things for myself. To be happy with myself, to not to be so concerned with other's feelings and to do this for me. It certainly will be, a huge change. More then it should.

I miss my best friend.

PENS!

yee!
I just bought new pens. It's bad how happy i get when i buy or get new pens! I dunno why, but it always makes me happy. lol.

So started off my day today with a double tall White Chocolate Mocha provided by the Barnes & Nobles Cafe that proudly brews Starbucks drinks. My day started off kinda slow. Headed to school after chillin there for bout an hour. Got to school, studied in the library for bout three hours before I had to go take my Chem Final, which I felt ok about actually. so yee for that. Glad that's over and done with! Annnndd...then headed to jack in the box. =], smoked to relieve some stress, paranoid cause now i hella stink and bout am waiting for classmates of mine to get here so that we could cheat off eachother. =] haha.

No but, this week's been goin by pretty damn fast. Which is pretty nice actually. I barely have anytime to sit and think bout how much I miss my bestfriend. He's training right now and is currently not in WA state. And how I miss him so. I dunno why, but a sudden burst of appreciation came over me for him the past couple of days. I'm so proud of him. He inspires me to become a better person and to be ambitious. In other words, he's AMAZING! [even if he is a complete ass most of the time] Seriously though, he is amazing though. Be jealous bitches. =]

Anywaise, I feel like I haven't written in hre for a while so here I am. Rambling on bout nothin really that matters. But then again, don't I always do that. Holy crap, I feel like shit now. Yup. SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOU! it's freakin disgusting kids. DONT DO IT! Ok.

Btw.
I LOVE MY FAMILY! =]

a take on partnerships

"Compassion and mutual respect offer a much more solid basis for our relations with others.
If our love for someone is based largely on attraction,
weather it be thier looks or some other superifical characteristic.
Our feelings for that person are liable, over time, to evaporate.
When they lose the quality we found alluring,
or when we find ourselves no longer satisfied by it,
the situation can change complelty,
despite their being the same person."
- His Holiness himself, Tenzin Gyatso

i once was

8. Drift. Allow yourself to wander aimlessly. Explore adjacencies. Lack judgment. Postpone criticism.

hmmm

missing someone gets easier every day
cause even though its one day further
from the last time you saw each other
its one day closer to the next time you will